Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Understanding Relationships Part 3 - for Guys

In part one I outlined the three kinds of relationship, and why interdependent is the only one that ultimately works.

In part two I outlined some of the differences in male and female psychology.

Here in part three, I'll talk about how as a guy you can use this knowledge to get a girlfriend, and avoid a lot of mistakes once you're with her. 

And in part four I'll do the same for the ladies.

This one took me a while to think through and put together, so I hope you enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: I'm not the world's leading dating expert! This stuff isn't guaranteed to work! Also, I don't personally use all this myself, but I know from a lot of reading that this is all stuff that experts in dating pyschology reccomend. A lot of it is not techniques, it's just common sense as a guy. So don' think you can be manipulating women! Be respectful and loving at all times.

The Basic Idea

As a guy, finding a girl to love and stay with can be tricky. The thing that makes it most difficult for us, is that we're expected to approach her, court her and lead her into the kind of partnership that both parties will enjoy.
The girl also plays an active part, but hers is a lot more subtle. She drops hints and tests you, to make sure you're the kind of guy she wants to be with, and to nudge you in the right direction for winning her heart.
So the basic idea is that your duty as a man is:

-To show her you're a strong person worth being with
-To show her you're trustworthy
-To show her you bring value to her life
-To make sure the whole process is as fun and as smooth as possible

That is the ideal. 

As a general rule: You can afford to mess up in any way once. A girl will usually be happy to give you a second chance, as long as she likes you and it was only a minor slip up.

But if you make the same mistake again and again, then she'll subtly distance herself from you and drop you.

The key is not in stupid manipulative techniques that some schools of dating psychology teach.

It's in building the right mind set, and becoming the right person.

So I'll jump right into some misconceptions that a lot of guys have.

Misconceptions

1. 'I'm not good enough for her'. - Here's the thing. Getting a girlfriend is not difficult. In fact, I would say that most guys could get almost ANY woman they wanted. Us men make it difficult for ourselves! Obviously a girl can give you trouble and make things difficult, but the majority of problems are to do with our own self-belief.

2. 'Women only want money, looks or status'  - Those things are attractive to a lot of women. But they are not dealbreakers. The real things they want are a degree of: 

Detachment (you're not clingy or emotionally needy)
Edginess (you seem a little mysterious or dangerous)
Confidence
Humour
Intimacy (you can be sensitive and open up to her)

You can remember those easily as DECHI.

Those qualities are the real dealbreakers for a girl.

3. 'Women are bitches, I can tell they're going to reject me' - This is possibly the most stupid issue you can have. Imagine any girl you've labelled as a 'bitch' with her family on christmas morning, when she's relaxed. Do you think she's really a bitch? To her grandma too?
Some people have naturally bitchy resting faces. Or they might be in a bad mood. There's only one way to find out - go and talk to her.
Most of the time, she's a lot nicer and more genuine than you were expecting.

What women are looking for

Women do not want the perfect guy.

Well, that's not strictly true, because anyone would settle for the perfect partner.
But the fact is, the perfect guy doesn't really exist. So she will always settle instead, for a guy who is perfectly fine with himself.

I'll say that one more time:

Women don't want the perfect guy. They want the guy who is perfectly fine with himself.

James Bond may be seductive and masculine - but he's not relatable in the long term. She wants someone who's a normal human being, who she can emotionally connect with.

On top of that, they want you to be a man. Everything the girl is doing in the courting and dating stage, is trying to get you to be a man about the whole thing.

Even once you're in a secure relationship, she may not realise that she's doing it, but she's trying to make you be a man!

What do I mean by that? I don't mean that you have to be physically strong or have chest hair.

A man is someone who's driven, has ambition, is direct, honest, strong, chivalrous but also cheeky, and is not afraid to step up as a leader. That's why men with high status are attractive. They are leaders; they are not afraid to go for what they want.

If you go up to a girl with a smile, and tell her uncreepily that she looks beautiful in that dress, as long as you are genuine... even if she rejects you, she'll be impressed that you at least had the guts to come tell her.

She wants someone who can sweep her off her feet! Who's not afraid to say what he thinks, be courageous with her, scoop her up and make her his. And she'll love the whole process of that, if you can pull it off right. 

The Process

Talking to a girl:

 Do not speak to her like she's a friend, because you'll become her friend. Speak to her like you're a man and she's a woman. What does that mean?

Flirt. Make your intentions clear.

Don't be afraid to come accross as creepy. When you're worrying about whether you're being creepy or not, you'll be creepy. The same goes for awkwardness.

Creepiness is when you seem like you're trying to do something, or get something off her. You don't want to take something, ideally you want to SHARE something - your presence, your personality, and if things go well, your love.

Don't know how to flirt?

Most people can do it perfectly fine, but don't know what they're actually subcommunicating or why it's working.

Flirting is a normal conversation with emotional spikes thrown in. 

Normal conversation: "What school do you go to?"
"Mossbourne".
"Oh, that's interesting."

Flirty conversation: "What school do you go to?"
"Mossbourne".
"No way! I love people from Mossbourne." 
                          or
"Ew, God. Really, Mossbourne?"

Tease her about something, or compliment her on something. A normal conversation with teasing and small compliments tossed in. 
But don't overdo either, use them sparingly.
This spikes her interest in you.

From there, get her contact details by asking for them. Be clear in your intentions. She needs to know in her head, that you are interested and want to see if things can go further.

The key to attracting someone in conversation is NOT BEING NEEDY.

Be a person who doesn't need their validation or approval - but who wants to spend time with them.

You don't need her, you just want her. That's the basic mindset.

Setting up a date:

DO NOT:

-Don't call her the night you got her number. That looks needy. 

-Don't spend ten hours texting her every day and blowing up her phone. Again, needy.

-Don't suggest the cinema or going out for a meal. That screams unoriginality. Also, if you're in the cinema you can't talk to her. If you're at meal, you can't end things quickly if you start to have second thoughts about her.

- Even worse: don't say ' we can do whatever you want, you just decide '. Don't force her to make all the decisions. 

DO:

-Wait about two days to call her. She'll begin to wonder about you, and the more she wonders, the more she anticipates. The more she anticipates what's going to happen, the more exciting you're making the whole thing.

- You can text her a little bit, but try to reserve the phone mainly for making arrangements. The only exception is if you've never met her before. In that case you  might have to text her to get to know her a little first.

Otherwise, the phone is for short conversations and arrangements only, in the early stages. Why? Because you need to be holding your cards in your hand. If you lay everything about you out on the table right away, there's no mystery, nothing for her to discover. It's not exciting.

-Set up a date that will let you talk a lot and move to different locations. A walk is probably best. If you're moving between places, you'll build a connection faster, because it feels like lots of small dates in one.

-Be decisive in making plans. " I'm going for a walk at 2 oclock on sunday, so how about you meet me here and come along too. We can get to know eachother a little better." That's a hundred times improved from: "Erm... I want to take you to the cinema, can you choose a movie please?"
She wants you to lead!
Make the plans but don't tell her what you're going to do on the date. Again, most of the attraction is coming from anticipation. 

The date itself:

So for the date, you want to show her that you're a man. Pick her up from somewhere. Go to different locations and have a laugh together.

Ideally, let her do about 80% of the talking. Ask her questions to keep the conversation going. The other 20% of the time, you are revealing little bits about yourself, and you are being playful and humorous.

The whole goal of the first few dates is to get to know eachother and build a connection.

You can escalate to the first kiss very quickly but it's more difficult with some girls than others. Do it once you've built up a lot of rapport.

Look down at her lips. If she looks at yours, then you can go for it. If not then she probably doesn't feel ready.

If you can, stay away from too much sexual conversation at first, because it's likely to turn awkward.

Say what's in your head, but if you run out of things to say, let it be quiet for a bit. The silences won't be awkward if you stay confident and playful.

Be positive -  don't complain, don't bitch about other people, don't make mean jokes, don't talk about your exes or past relationships. 

Positive, light, playful.

Taking things further:

Wait for her to contact you. Each time she contacts you, have a short conversation then set up another date. 

The aim is to get it so that she knows she only has to contact you to see you. Get to know her in person, not by text.

When to make it a relationship?

Keep dating until she hints at it. She will hint, very subtly, that she wants something more. She might ask you if you're seeing anyone else at the moment.
She might say something like, "haha, my friend thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Isn't that funny?"
She might say, "where is this going?"

Then, and only then, when she's dropped the hint, do you go in and make it a full relationship. Say, I want you to be my girlfriend.

And at this point she's yours.

Remember that dating never ends. You must continue to set up dates with her, for as long as you're with her! 

As for Love... do not bring it up quickly. Again, wait for a hint to be dropped. It maybe very small so watch carefully. Only then do you tell her that you love her. Before that you'll look needy.
AND OBVIOUSLY, ONLY SAY IT IF YOU REALLY DO LOVE HER


Testing 

Girls will test, test, test.

Don't hold it against them. Testing you is very important.

It's saying, " I want to be with you but I'm not sure you have the balls. Show me you're a man."

Some examples of testing:

- Seeing if you change your opinion to agree with her
-Seeing if she can get a reaction by pointing out something about you
-Telling you to do something and seeing if you do it to please her
-Telling you something shocking about her and seeing if you treat her differently
-Being moody with you and watching how you handle it
-Sometimes even being mean to you and seeing if you can take it
-Being openly attracted to someone else, and watching to see if you get jealous

And so on, and so on...

Basically, if she is not being open and loving, then most of the time it's a test.

She's like a clam: She'll always either be opening up to you, or closing down.

If she's closing down then she wants you to open her up.

So, how do you pass these tests and open her up again?

Pass the tests by staying centered, playful and humorous. 

Open her up by being centered, playful and humorous, and listening to her.

Listening earns you MAJOR points with a woman. If she's upset, she might start by saying she doesn't want to talk about it. Be playful and loving until she decides to open up. Then listen and be affectionate.

Example:

Your GF is doing the dishes and you can tell she's upset about something.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it," she says.
"Are you sure? I'm here to listen."
"No, it doesn't matter."
You stay in the room. Stand there but say nothing.
"What?" she says.
"Talk to me," you say. "I can tell something's wrong."
"I already said, it doesn't matter."
You come up behind her and kiss her neck. She tries to shrug you off, but you keep being affectionate. You tease her by hugging her and giving little kisses. You keep going, being playful and loving, until she opens up.
"Fine. I'm upset because earlier, I was trying to spend time with you but you were busy with your work."
She pauses.
"Go on," you say. "So I was busy with work. How did you feel?"
"Well," she says, " I felt like you were ignoring me."
"I'm sorry baby," you say. " I was wrong to ignore you like that. I should have shown you some love and then got back to work. I'll make sure you don't feel ignored next time."

And then you give her a hug and make sure she's okay. 

That's how you apologise.

You open her up by being loving and listening.
You pass her tests by staying strong and confident, and true to yourself.

Conclusion

This information should help you to get a girl who loves you and who you can love back.
Remember, you're in the relationship for two reasons:

1. For the girl to support you in your life purpose.
2. To give her the love she wants.

This is how, as a man, you have a maximised relationship.

Thanks for reading, as always,

-Max :) 








1 comment:

  1. With a new site on the way, here's my perspective in hindsight... Sound advice, but there's not really a system to it. Just be yourself 100% and don't hold back, everyone, not just girls, will love it... Including most importantly yourself. This is a bit cliche dating advice from when I was researching personal development in all areas, including dating. A bit cheesy though gosh

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